Heartbroken

I wasn’t going to post this here. It’s on my Tumblr where I feel the more personal articles belong but I think that sharing how we feel is important so I’m going to post it here too.

Today it finally hit me.

I’m moving across country in less than a month. I’ll be living on a friend’s couch in LA with my dog, looking for an apartment and a job. Jumping without much of a net. I’ve been stressed about it but today it hit me all at once and the thing that broke the dam is stupid.

I mean, it’ not stupid to me but in the grand scheme of life it is not a big deal. My dad texted me to tell me that Cote is leaving NCIS. Dumb right? Something like that should be a passing upset but it’s had me holding back tears all evening.

I am going to miss a lot of things. My best friend was with me tonight and we were meandering about downtown and she is very sad that I’m leaving. She’s not trying to upset me but her lamenting coupled with my anxiety and walking around thinking about the things that I love that won’t be an arms length away anymore just hurts.

I was planning on purchasing the season pass for only two shows after I moved. I most likely won’t be able to afford cable and while Netflix and Hulu Plus are great, a lot of my favorite shows aren’t on there. TV has always been a huge part of my life. The one constant that got me through some tough situations and I was relying on it to help me now.

I was going to buy season passes for NCIS and Doctor Who. Ziva leaving is just… I wanted the stability of my favorite shows and without my favorite character I don’t know that there will be any point. I’m sure it will still be good but without her it will be missing the elements that make it important to me. Her story has been and will always be my favorite and I don’t think I will watch it without her. The Doctor is changing again as well. That at least was expected. The Doctor always has to change but for some reason NCIS is really what’s getting to me.

It could be because I just marathoned 4 seasons with my dad. It could be that the news of her leaving just happened to break through my currently fragile state of mind. It could be that we had just been celebrating her re-signing her contract and then they throw us this. I know it’s not important. I know that I am being foolish. But, I am genuinely heartbroken and I doubt I’ll ever forget that feeling.

I appreciate that actors have to move on and that they will wrap up her story in the premiere episode but you can’t wrap up how those character make you feel and one episode is certainly not enough. She could have at least gone through one more season. Telling me that there is just one episode left? That hurts. I’m sorry NCIS but I’m pretty sure I’m done. I think I might be done with TV dramas for good. From now on I’ll wait until shows are entirely over and then decide if I want to watch them or not. I’m tired of the worry and the let down. TV has always been my favorite medium. Not anymore.

I’m heartbroken and let down. I’ll miss you Cote. I’ll miss you NCIS. Most of all, I’ll miss you Ziva. Shalom. I’m done.

Author’s Note: I hope this didn’t come off as angry. I am just genuinely sad. I wish Cote and the rest of the NCIS cast and crew the absolute best. I think a person on Reddit summarized it really well: “Well, I’ll watch the shows with her but after that I’m done with it. Been attached to these characters for too long to be ok with a new character coming into play at this point.” Well put, Reddit stranger.

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